


Nailed to My Jawbone

by WednesdayAngeline



Category: All Time Low (Band), Bandom, I Don't Know How But They Found Me (Band), The Academy Is..., Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Gen, Group chat, teeny bit of unrequited gabilliam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27744031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdayAngeline/pseuds/WednesdayAngeline
Summary: William, Jack, Alex, Dallon and Geoff - they're a little different from their bandmates. Jawn joins them and spirals into a hole he can't climb out of.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	Nailed to My Jawbone

**Author's Note:**

> Obvious TW for eating disorders!!! This is a very sad fic.  
> Characters are not a reflection or speculation of any real person's mental state!! This is a work of fiction!! If you are personally involved with any person written here please do not read this it will do no good for your health.  
> I know group chat fics tend to be a bit cringe but I wanted to write one bc I had to write something to vent all my eating disorder thoughts into so...I hope this isn't too bad. Also, AO3 not having line spacing formatting is bullshit because I spent so much time formatting this in Word and AO3 just said haha fuck you

“Last chance to back out,” Geoff warned. Awsten, Lucas and Otto were out at whatever fast food joint they could find, which left him and Jawn to lounge on the tour bus by themselves. “They wanted me to give you the option of turning back, but I know I can’t stop you when you’ve made your mind up. Also I feel like this goes without saying, but you can’t tell anyone about this,” he reminded.

“God, stop being so dramatic.” Jawn rolled his eyes. “I know what I’m going into.” He didn’t not, in fact, know what he was going into.

Geoff shrugged and tapped his screen. “Sure, man, whatever you say.”

_Jawn Rocha has been added to ‘skeletons in my basement’_

Jawn raised an eyebrow. “Really? Of all the names you could’ve chosen, skeletons in my basement?”

“Hey, I didn’t pick the name! Alex did,” Geoff defended. “But I like the name, it’s poetic.” They both went back to their phones as the messages poured in.

**_Alex:_ ** _Hi Jawn!_

**_Jack:_ ** _Yo_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Hey red guy_

**_William:_ ** _Hi! We haven’t met but I’ve heard good things about you :)_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Oh no what did Geoff say_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Also hi, I’m Jawn_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Nothing :)_

**_Jack:_ ** _Welcome to our little family of fucked-up freaks trying to wreck our bodies_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Thanks! Sounds promising!_

**_Alex_ ** _: Quick rundown: William only does liquids, Dallon mostly exercises and restricts, I b/p, Jack restricts, and you know Geoff._

**_Jawn:_ ** _Got it. I b/p too. And I try to fast but you know, tour._

**_Dallon:_ ** _I get that._

**_Dallon:_ ** _Uh, there’s no way around this so, what are your stats?_

Jawn looked up in surprise at Geoff, who shrugged. “Like I said, we’re direct about stuff, this is the whole point of the chat. Can’t know how to help you improve if we don’t know where you are. Don’t worry, no one’s going to judge you, we all update stats every Sunday so you’ll see ours soon.”

Jawn gingerly typed in the numbers that measured his self-worth, knowing that Geoff’s reassurance is but a lie to make him feel better. “I know, but it’s still embarrassing. You’re all skinny and I’m not.” He saw a hint of a smile flicker across Geoff’s face at the compliment before it was replaced with indignance.

“Me, skinny? Are you blind?” Geoff demanded. “Dude, I gained so much weight off tour. I love being a dad but man, it takes all the energy right out of you. We got takeout nearly every night. I think by the time we were getting ready to tour I even got sick of pizza. And I _love_ pizza.”

Jawn wouldn’t lie, Geoff did fill in a little since they bid each other goodbye at Christmas, but Geoff carried the weight so well that it just made him look cute. It was so unfair! “Yeah, but you’re tall, and you’re naturally good looking so it’s barely noticeable. If I gain a pound, I instantly look 20% more bloated,” he argued. He had a brief flashback to his childhood as a chubby kid, and how he vowed in middle school to never become that child again as he embarked on his long and tumultuous journey of weight loss. In the end, he still stuck to calories in, calories out – a tried and true method. He sent his stats, anxiously waiting for – and also dreading – the group’s judgment.

**_Alex:_ ** _Hey, that’s pretty good for a bulimic._

**_William:_ ** _Yeah, not bad. I gather a good part of that is muscle too_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Nah, what muscles I have are just for show. I’m trying to lose them actually_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Seriously? I would kill to have your body. Not even kidding about the killing part_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Lol thanks dude. I’d trade bodies with you if we could_

**_Jack:_ ** _Do u guys have a scale?_

**_Geoff:_ ** _No, I wish but I feel like the guys would be not cool with that_

**_William:_ ** _Pity. Blessing and a curse I guess, sometimes I wish someone would take away my scale so I would stop weighing myself every hour_

**_Jack:_ ** _Here’s a suggestion: go outside_

Jawn wrinkled his nose. ‘Pretty good for a bulimic’ rubbed him the wrong way, but he tried not to think about it. Alex probably didn’t mean it to be rude and besides, he didn’t sign up to be babied and he knew that. “So, does William not leave the house or something?” Jawn knew of William Beckett, because everyone did, but he hasn’t worked with him, or in fact thought about him in years until Geoff brought up the group chat. He made a mental note to google search the man later.

Geoff was still glued to the phone, looking lost in thought.

“Geoff?” Jawn prompted.

Geoff snapped back into reality. “Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about getting us a scale. What did you say?”

Jawn snorted. “No way Awsten would let that happen.” He repeated his question about William.

“Uh, he does but not for long usually? He gets dizzy so he mostly just goes to the pharmacy and gets everything else delivered.”

“That’s kind of sad.” Jawn shuddered at the idea. He doesn’t hate being at home, but being cooped up in the house nearly 24/7…he couldn’t do that. A death sentence would be better in comparison.

“Hey, he’s the skinniest out of us, his BMI is in the 15s. Maybe the sacrifices are worth it.”

-

If you were to ask William whether the sacrifices were worth it, he would simply answer you with a bittersweet smile. He wouldn’t be able to bring himself to say no, but losing his band, not releasing music, not connecting with people most of the time…it took a toll on him.

It was only when he started chatting with Alex and Jack that life started looking less grey and hopeless. He was still tired, sad, disappearing William, but he was a fraction less tired and sad. Then Dallon joined the chat, then Geoff, and most recently Jawn. William vowed that he would meet them all one day and hug them and tell them that he’s sorry for the hell they went through, even though he had a hand in it. They all had in each other’s suffering.

Life was a routine for William these days, an endless countdown to reaching his ultimate goal weight. He shook himself out of his reverie and stripped until he only had his boxers on. He tried to keep his teeth from chattering as he did so, but he was always cold, no matter how high the heater was turned on. He stepped on the scale, waiting for it to settle on a number. _55.2 kg._ He frowned, that wasn’t on track. He was supposed to be down to 55kg by today, according to his planner. He’ll just have to try and make it up by getting in a workout today. He marked down everything he would drink and any activities he had in the planner, as well as the goal weight for every day. Some people might say it was a tad extreme; William would say those people didn’t understand how good it felt to be skinny.

He got dressed and pulled out a bottle of coffee from his fridge. It never tasted as good as freshly made coffee, but William couldn’t be bothered with a coffee maker. He wrinkled his nose at the taste – the coldness masked some of the bitterness, but after 6 years of it he still wasn’t used to the strong aftertaste. He sipped delicately as he scrolled through the group chat, catching up on the messages he had missed.

**_Jack:_ ** _Help I fucked up and binged on a ton of fast food and I can’t really purge bc I lost my gag reflex from sucking too much dick_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Just fast until you make up the calories? Sorry dude_

**_Jack:_ ** _Yeah I’m going to do that but I made the stupid mistake of weighing myself after the binge and now the number’s stuck in my head_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Why on earth would you do that_

**_Alex:_ ** _I would cry. I’ll come over to see you_

William knitted his brows in confusion at Alex’s message until he remembered that the All Time Low guys have decided to coop themselves into one house to write this album. Extremely inefficient in his opinion, but who cared about his opinion anymore? All the music he had written lately is about hating his body. Or about yearning to fade away.

Ryan Ross would be disappointed, he thought. Once upon a time, all William wanted to be was Ryan Ross. Skinny, successful, charismatic, and brimming with talent. He was lost in the one-sided weight loss competition that ultimately drove them apart. He wondered if Ryan understood the envy that flickered across his eyes sometimes. Probably not. He would never admit it, not even to the group chat, but a part of him still yearns to be as skinny as Ryan. The same part of him that convinced himself Gabe didn’t love him back because he was fat, even as the rational part of his brain reminded him that Gabe was straight. But he’s convinced that even if Gabe wasn’t straight, they could never be together. Gabe was handsome, skinny, charismatic, reckless. Next to him, William would look like a dim flashlight trying to compete with a supernova.

**_Jawn:_ ** _Okay so I’m going to try and swear off gummy worms because I just tried purging them and it was actual hell. There was so much fucking acid, and it was all gross and I almost choked on a chunk of gummy. I don’t want death by gummy, that would be so embarrassing_

**_Alex:_ ** _Yeah that isn’t something I would recommend. Do ice cream if you have a sweet tooth?_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Can you c/s gummies? Is that a thing?_

**_William:_ ** _I don’t think it would work bc they just melt gradually while you chew so there’ll be nothing left to spit_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Okay yeah you have a point_

**_Alex:_ ** _Morning Bilvy_

**_William:_ ** _Morning. Jawn sugar free candies might be better for curbing cravings, I relied on them when I used to have solids_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Don’t they make you shit like crazy_

**_William:_ ** _Everything in moderation :)_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Okay, I’ll try to get those and keep y’all updated on how it goes! Time to wake Geoff up_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Cool. Gotta bounce, I have to get my morning workout in_

William set the phone down. He had to get his own morning workout in too. He doesn’t do anything strenuous – just some sit ups and push ups. Anything more would make him dizzy, even with the supplements he takes religiously at noon. The supplements were really the only solids that William consumed – electrolytes, multivitamins, iron tablets and green tea pills. He had spent a ridiculous amount of money on them over the years, but after using his body as a lab experiment for a couple years he worked out the perfect balance of pills. He didn’t have to worry about money – what he had from the band was enough to last him a lifetime, and not having to eat saved a lot. Besides, he figured, he won’t live to see forty anyway.

-

Dallon was pacing back and forth in his house. His wife and kids were away visiting Breezy’s parents for the weekend, so he had the house to himself, which meant utilising this time to engage in his unhealthy habits. His feet hurt – he wanted to get in 50000 steps today, plus a run in the evening if he had energy. It was 2 in the afternoon and his stomach was already grumbling, unhappy with the green tea and rice cakes that Dallon had fed it as breakfast.

It was hard to explain the kind of body he wanted. He wanted muscles, but not a bodybuilder type. He dreamt of a body that was still skinny – _William-skinny_ even – but with visible muscle, some silhouette to his arms. Instead of ribs that he could count, he wanted abs. Sort of like Jawn, if he were skinnier.

Dallon mentally scolded himself for thinking that. Jawn looked great at his weight. It’s not Jawn’s fault that he’s a particular kind of fucked up that has too many demands for just the right proportions. He paced harder and faster, angry at himself now. Jawn has been nothing but supportive, yet Dallon felt envy towards him. An ugly emotion that he wished he could purge. He wished he could purge everything, but Dallon loved his vocal cords even more than the idea of attaining his dream body.

**_Geoff:_ ** _Guys I feel sick, Lucas won’t let me perform like this_

**_Jawn:_ ** _They’re trying to get him to see a doctor_

**_William:_ ** _It’s because you’ve been restricting so well. Don’t let them do it_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Yikes dude. Sorry to hear that. Maybe take some aspirin?_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Already did_

**_William:_ ** _@Jawn try and convince the TM that Geoff will be fine soon?_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Will do, I’m sure Geoff will be okay guys_

Dallon growled in frustration. Jawn was effortlessly cool and meshed with the rest of the group quicker than he had expected, even with William who he hadn’t met. Another thing to be jealous about. When Dallon first joined, he and William weren’t on the best of terms – in William’s opinion, Dallon was just a replacement for Ryan Ross, even though they didn’t even play the same damn instrument.

In his preoccupation with reading texts, Dallon forgot to walk. He started pacing again, checking his count – 27831 steps. If he wanted to reach 50000 by dinnertime he’d have to hurry. He ignored the texts from his managers and from his bandmate Ryan, scanning the beginnings of sentences in the notification bar and dismissing them as unimportant. Those were things he could worry about after he reached his goal.

He was going on tour again in a couple of weeks, opening for Waterparks’ UK leg of their tour. He had to look his best then, or as good as he can muster. This weekend was a golden opportunity to get in shape. Not only for the fans, or for himself even, but for Jawn and Geoff. He wanted to show them that he was strong, that he was worthy of being in the group, despite his difference from the typical sought-after body that the others idolized.

He hadn’t figured out yet how he would get away with this on tour. He knew that him acting odd would be suspicious to Ryan and their tour manager even if he could fool the Waterparks boys – just Awsten and Otto, that is. Maybe he would fob it off as some Mormon habit. That should be believable enough to prevent any of them from asking more questions. Either way – he has to start preparing so that the lies would just slip off his tongue if questioned. 

Dallon checked his pedometer again. 30126 steps. He’d better hurry up.

-

**_Geoff:_ ** _Lucas isn’t letting me perform again until I see a doctor :( and I feel shitty for missing shows and m &g_

**_William:_ ** _Don’t feel shitty. Real fans would understand_

**_Geoff:_ ** _I’ll probably say I had a stomach bug or something. I don’t think I’ve been restricting long enough for anyone to notice_

**_Dallon:_ ** _I’ll be joining you guys soon so I’ll be able to cover for you and Jawn. Try to be careful until then!_

**_William:_ ** _Remember that it’s okay to eat sometimes, you’re doing it for energy_

Jawn snorted next to Geoff. “Of all people, Bill saying that? Hilarious.”

Geoff shoved him lightly. “Hey, lay off him, he means well. We all have double standards for ourselves, you know what I mean?”

Lucas walked in, looking exhausted. “Okay, Geoff, we’ve managed to arrange an appointment for you at a local clinic. It’ll be in two hours, I had to pull a bunch of strings to get this done. If the doctor says it’s okay, you can perform again. I’ll text you the address.” He left as abruptly as he came in, waving a quick goodbye before joining the rest of the crew.

**_Geoff:_ ** _Seeing the doctor soon. Jawn is coming with me_

**_Jawn:_ ** _I’m there for moral support and nothing else_

**_Alex:_ ** _Good luck! Jack and I are rooting for you_

**_William:_ ** _Fingers crossed all goes well and under the radar_

The appointment wasn’t long, and mostly consisted of the doctor shining a flashlight into Geoff’s mouth and shoving a popsicle stick down his throat. Thankfully, she concluded that whatever caused his illness should have disappeared by now and that he could perform again. Geoff smugly texted Lucas, before opening up the group chat.

**_Geoff:_ ** _It went fine!! Dr said I can perform_

**_Jack:_ ** _Awesome :D_

**_Dallon:_ ** _That’s great news. Hopefully the appointment wasn’t too daunting_

**_Geoff:_ ** _It was fine lol. Very chill and now Lucas can get off my back_

**_William:_ ** _You’re lucky then. Most doctors I’ve seen are absolute dicks, they look at me like some disgusting parasite_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Wtf, that’s messed up, can’t you complain to someone?_

**_William:_ ** _It’s okay I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, god forbid I end up being cancelled on twitter again_

-

Alex was curled up next to Jack, both typing into the group chat wordlessly despite sitting next to each other. Sitting in the living room meant it wasn’t safe to talk about their eating habits in case someone overheard them, but it was cold and neither of them wanted to get up from the sofa.

**_Alex:_ ** _Okay so Rian got us lots of greasy food last night and I ate a fucking crazy amount and I purged after so I’m fucked for recording today_

**_Alex:_ ** _Also I’m paranoid that I didn’t get all of it out. But it tasted so good :(_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Yikes. Good luck on recording, that’s why I don’t purge._

**_William:_ ** _Maybe try a laxative next time?_

**_Jack:_ ** _I would offer him one but I didn’t have any and it was late so shops weren’t open_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Wait @jack you use lax?_

**_Jack:_ ** _Just on special occasions. I used to be addicted to them and it sucked and it took me a long time to shit properly again after_

**_Dallon:_ ** _I can imagine. Getting addicted to diarrhea doesn’t sound fun_

**_Alex:_ ** _It’s not so much addiction to diarrhea, it’s addiction to feeling empty_

**_William:_ ** _Felt that in my bones_

Jack leaned in closer to Alex, their bodies huddled around each other. “You’re so cold,” Alex whined.

“Yeah, well, comes with the territory,” Jack replied. “You sure you’re up to recording? You can always tell them you’ve got a sore throat because of all the fried food or something.”

“Is my voice that shit today?” Alex teased. He knew his voice wasn’t in the best condition, but he had thought it would be okay with the production added in. “Maybe I’ll say that. It does hurt like crazy.”

**_Jack:_ ** _Maybe you should really switch to laxatives. For your voice_

**_Alex:_ ** _Considering it. Purging just feels…cleaner_

**_Jack:_ ** _I mean, it’s out one end or the other. Not much difference_

**_Geoff:_ ** _At least you get to binge_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Sorry, that was a dickish thing to say. I just wish I could let it go sometimes and eat what I want_

**_Alex:_ ** _No hard feelings_

**_Alex:_ ** _I wish I had the self-control to restrict better_

-

Dallon and Ryan were greeted by Lucas and Jawn when they landed in the UK. They exchanged hugs, and Dallon felt his jealousy rear its ugly head when he felt Jawn’s biceps. He tried not to look too hard at them, but they were so perfect. He noted that Geoff’s arms were also gorgeous, when he got on the bus and reunited with the band. Honestly, everyone in that bloody bus had amazing muscles. Of course, Ryan, being a drummer, also had great arms, which left Dallon feeling inadequate and, despite being 6 foot 2, he felt small. 

As the bus lurched into motion and Otto went to help Ryan settle into his bunk, Dallon clicked into the group chat.

**_Jawn:_ ** _I fucking hate UK winters_

**_Alex:_ ** _They’re the worst. Is it snowing there?_

**_William:_ ** _Take it from someone who’s cold all the time: drink lots of warm tea._

**_Geoff:_ ** _Not snowing yet hopefully never will_

**_Jawn:_ ** _I’ll do coffee. Not a tea guy_

**_Dallon:_ ** _I like tea_

**_Alex:_ ** _Aww of course you do. Such a dad_

**_Geoff:_ ** _I like tea too? Is it a dad thing?_

**_William:_ ** _Seems like it, I like a nice chamomile myself_

“I’m going to fix myself tea. Dallon, tea?” Geoff offered, feeling slightly stupid at having to say it out loud, but it would look odd if he just made tea for the two of them specifically.

“Make me one too,” Ryan said, popping his head out from his bunk.

Awsten rolled his eyes. “You old people and your tea. I’ll stick to kombucha.”

“Kombucha is tea,” Jawn pointed out.

“Yeah, but it’s cool people tea.” Awsten stuck his tongue out at the photographer. “Anyway, you made any headway with that giant gummy worm yet?”

“What gummy worm?” Dallon asked.

“Dude, a fan gave him this massive gummy worm, it’s ridiculous.”

Jawn rummaged through his bunk for a couple minutes before coming out with it. It was indeed a massive gummy worm. Dallon could feel his insides churning at the thought of eating that – it was huge and so processed, there had to be a ton of sugar and god knows what preservatives. “Well, that certainly is something,” he remarked.

“Tea is ready,” Geoff announced, passing Dallon a mug. Dallon wrapped his hands around the mug and basked in the warmth that emitted from the tea. It felt so good to hold something warm. The bus had heating, but Dallon was always cold from the malnutrition, even when bundled up in layers. Keeping a shaky grip on the mug, he held it to his lips and felt the warmth spread through his body as he sipped.

**_Dallon:_ ** _Geoff makes good tea_

**_William:_ ** _What kind is it?_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Peppermint_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Bill how are you still awake?_

**_William:_ ** _I just woke up, it’s 5am here_

**_Geoff:_ ** _No idea how you do that. When Rory grows up and we stop touring I’m going to sleep in till noon every day_

**_William:_ ** _I just don’t sleep all that well. Plus I have to pee. Have you guys had food yet?_

**_William:_ ** _I’ve heard that UK food is disgusting_

**_Jawn:_ ** _It is_

**_Geoff:_ ** _We had food on the plane so we haven’t eaten anything local yet_

**_Dallon:_ ** _I’m heading to bed. Hopefully I can sneak some steps in when we get a break from the bus tomorrow._

-

It was one of those days where William had to go to the pharmacy. He was running out of supplements, and at this point he was so dependent on them he would have a panic attack if he went a day without. He knew this from experience – it had happened before, he somehow convinced that he would gain twenty kilos overnight if he didn’t take his supplements. He felt quite silly the next day when nothing happened, he just felt a little dizzier than usual.

He stood in front of the mirror as he changed his clothes, picking out a sweater and skinny jeans. Not skinny when they’re on his body, though. In the mirror, even black seemed to make him look bigger. He sighed and half-heartedly ran his fingers through his hair until it looked decent, trying to avoid scrutinizing his reflection as he did so.

William grabbed a coffee, his wallet, and hoped he wouldn’t faint on the way to the pharmacy. It was just a 15 minute walk away, but his body had a tendency of betraying him at the worst moments.

**_William:_ ** _Going out to the pharmacy today. Think the cashier will recognize me?_

**_Geoff:_ ** _As in, recognize that you’re William Beckett or recognize you from your trips there_

**_William:_ ** _The second one. Only deeply sad people still know who I am, I think_

**_Alex:_ ** _Hey, what are you implying about us_

**_Jawn:_ ** _We’re in an eating disorder group chat. I think that qualifies as deeply sad_

William chuckled at Jawn’s remark. He turned up the music in his earphones as he walked onto the main street, ignoring all the people that stared at his body. He was used to it – a sick twisted part of him even takes pride in it. It was a fucked-up sort of validation that he was thin enough for others to be concerned. Or maybe he just looked so disgustingly bloated that everyone couldn’t help but stare at the monstrosity before their eyes. William mulled the options over, and eventually settled on the latter.

He’ll be skinny soon, and people would send him envious glares instead of staring at the circus freak he currently looked like. Just a couple more months, and he’ll get there. The weight loss has slowed considerably compared to when he first tried to lose weight, which he knew was normal since he was underweight now, but it still frustrated him to no end that the kilograms weren’t dropping like they used to. He resisted the thought of flipping off all the staring people and walked into the pharmacy.

**_William:_ ** _Update: cashier didn’t recognize me but said I looked like I could use a chocolate bar so she gave me one. Not sure if she’s allowed to do that. I gave it to a homeless guy._

**_Jack:_ ** _Did you get her number? Lol_

**_Alex:_ ** _Jack shut up_

**_William:_ ** _Ew, she was like 70_

**_Jack:_ ** _Old people need love too ;)_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Jack no_

**_Jack:_ ** _Jack yes_

**_Jawn:_ ** _What kind of chocolate bar was it_

**_William:_ ** _A Mars bar. I used to like those_

**_Geoff:_ ** _I would kill for a Mars bar omg_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Dude I have some in my drawer_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Nah it’s okay I don’t really want it_

-

Since touring in the UK began, Geoff and Jawn had an excellent excuse to avoid eating meals with the rest of the band – they didn’t like the local food. Of course, anyone with decent taste buds disliked English food, but Awsten and Ryan made an effort to find Subways and anything that tasted remotely like Chipotle for Otto. Dallon stayed behind with Geoff and Jawn, and for an hour they would have some peace and quiet to themselves.

As always, Dallon would pace back and forth on the bus, trying to get as many steps in as possible. Jawn spent the hour mulling over whether he should binge that night and if he could get away with purging, and Geoff tried to keep his stomach from grumbling too loudly, bent over in pain from the hunger pangs.

“I think Awsten’s caught on to your restriction, Geoff,” Dallon said, breaking the silence. “You might want to join for a meal or two just to cover it up. I’ll do it with you if you want.”

“I’ll tell him I’m doing a diet with Chloe or something if he gets too pushy about it,” Geoff said dismissively. “I haven’t lost that much weight, so I think it’ll be fine.”

Jawn stayed silent. He wasn’t sure if he should be jealous that Geoff was showing so much progress that Awsten was noticing. It wasn’t like he pigged out every night, but on some nights he did tend to eat more if he planned to purge anyway. Of course, he was unworthy of attention, who cared about the fat dude in the corner? He felt like little 7-year-old Jawn, when he was being humiliated by his classmates, only this cut so much deeper. Without thinking, he reached for his phone to type.

**_Jawn:_ ** _Lowkey I wanna try restricting_

**_William:_ ** _It’s a hard road but if you want to, I’ll definitely support you on doing it safely_

**_Jack:_ ** _Ditto_

**_William:_ ** _Geoff and Dallon are with you, so you can try mimicking their meal plans? But maybe eat a bit more at first to adapt. Your body might not be able to take cutting out a ton of calories at once_

**_Geoff:_ ** _Yeah, Dallon and I will look over him, don’t y’all worry!_

Jawn ground his teeth. He _will_ be able to cut out the calories and eat like the others. He must. He was tired of feeling ashamed every time food passed his lips, and never again did he want to kneel over a toilet bowl and make himself sick until all he tasted was bile and his knuckles were raw.

From now on, he will be good, and follow the rules.

-

**_Alex:_ ** _Guys Jack is in the hospital_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Shit_

**_Dallon:_ ** _Is he okay_

**_Alex:_ ** _Doctor says it’s just a concussion and he’ll be fine but he freaked us all out when he didn’t wake up_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Hopefully no physical injuries?_

**_Alex:_ ** _He has minor scrapes on his scalp but he’s mostly dehydrated and the doctor says he isn’t eating enough_

**_Dallon:_ ** _He’s not going to be happy about that_

**_Alex:_ ** _Yeah. But in moderation he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll probably still be at a deficit_

**_Jawn:_ ** _We’re coming back to the states soon so we can come visit him if he needs anyone to look over him?_

**_Alex:_ ** _Aw that’s sweet, I’ll let you know if I’ll take you up on that. Will keep y’all updated Rian wants me to get off phone now_

-

“Fucking hell, I can’t do this anymore,” Awsten dropped his fork and knife with a clang, standing up, his chair emitting a loud screech as he did. Both bands and Jawn were at a fancy restaurant (where fancy meant a step above McDonalds) celebrating the end of the tour, and Awsten had spent most of the time glaring at Geoff and Jawn in turns as they nibbled on their steaks.

The whole table stared at him. He scowled at Geoff. “You’ve been eating weird the whole fucking tour, and now Jawn and Dallon are both eating weird. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Are you sick? Have you joined a cult or switched religions or something?” Awsten demanded.

Otto tugged on Awsten’s arm to get him to sit down. “Awsten, Christ, sit down, we can talk calmly about this like adults, dude,” he hissed, “we’re in public and I don’t think Geoff or Jawn would be more likely to say anything when anyone within a ten-mile radius can hear every word that comes out of your mouth.”

Awsten reluctantly sat down, still wearing a sullen expression. “I just want one dinner where it would be like old times. It felt so weird, like you two were avoiding me the whole tour. And for some reason Dallon gets let in on the secret and not me,” he said accusingly at the other singer.

“Whoa, I didn’t do anything,” Dallon protested, raising his hands in surrender.

Ryan was frowning too. “Lay off Dallon, he’s just trying to be friendly. Sorry if he got in your space or something. I thought the tour was fine, actually.” Dallon shook his head. Poor Ryan, he was still in the dark about all of this.

“What and how I eat is none of your fucking business,” Geoff said coldly, staring directly into Awsten’s eyes. “Leave Jawn and Dallon out of this. They’ve been nothing but supportive.” He tilted his head. “The same can’t be said about you.”

Awsten spluttered. “What on earth are you talking about? You’re the one hiding from me! Geoff, are you sick? I’m asking as your friend, I swear, you look like you’ve been wasting away and it scares me to see.” His voice became choked up at the end of the sentence, and Geoff saw tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

“I’m fine. Jawn is fine, and Dallon is fine,” Geoff said shortly. “But I think I would like to be excused now. I’ll Venmo you whatever I owe.” He turned on his heel and left, Jawn and Dallon both excusing themselves hurriedly and scrambling after him.

**_Geoff:_ ** _Awsten and I had a really big fight. He thinks I’m sick or something lol_

**_William:_ ** _What happened???_

**_Geoff:_ ** _He accused me of hiding from him and I think he’s jealous that I’m talking to Jawn and Dallon more_

**_Jawn:_ ** _Awsten’s just overreacting. He’ll calm down_

**_Dallon:_ ** _I feel like a dick now, but I don’t think I did anything wrong_

**_Jawn:_ ** _You didn’t_

**_Alex:_ ** _Aw man I’m sorry. Awsten’s probably just worried though, Lisa’s like that sometimes. He’ll come round soon_

**_Dallon:_ ** _We’ve been acting fine? I don’t know what there is to worry about. So what if Geoff loses a few pounds? It’s not like he’s on his deathbed._

**_William:_ ** _Awsten wouldn’t understand. I think the best thing to do would be to say you’re going on a diet or you have a new allergy or something._

**_Geoff:_ ** _He just got back with everyone else and he’s still giving us the cold shoulder :(_

**_Alex:_ ** _Give it a couple days maybe_

**_William:_ ** _@alex how is Jack btw? Send him my greetings_

**_Alex:_ ** _Jack is doing okay! He woke up for a bit and we filled him in on everything. Not happy that the doctor is making him stay another 2 days to monitor him but he’ll live_

**_William:_ ** _2 days is lucky, I’m glad he’s okay_

The next morning, Awsten texted Geoff on the way to the airport with an ultimatum, still refusing to speak to him. He had to pick – either coming clean about everything including Jawn and Dallon’s involvement, or the band goes on an indefinite hiatus because Awsten refuses to work with someone who is deliberately withholding important information from him.

When they parted ways at the airport, Awsten bid Geoff farewell as he headed off to the flight for LA. Geoff didn’t respond, and that was all Awsten needed to know.

-

_One year later_

Jawn ran into Geoff’s arms as soon as they saw each other. Geoff was thinner than he last remembered – they had done another tour since the UK fiasco and the half-year hiatus, but in the two months since they parted, Geoff’s hair has thinned and so has the rest of him. Both of them looked like they had been crying.

Geoff felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” Alex greeted. He was wearing a plain black suit that showed off his sharp angles. Jack waved, joining them, in a similar suit. Jawn felt stupidly underdressed in his black shirt and skinny jeans.

“Dallon’s on his way, he stopped to get the roses,” Jack said, checking his phone. “He’ll be here in 5.”

Everyone solemnly nodded. “You look good,” Alex said to Jawn. Then to Geoff he added, “you, too.”

“Same with you guys, you both look great,” Jawn replied, without an ounce of enthusiasm in his voice. They knew he meant it, though. Everyone has lost weight.

“Hi, sorry, kids held me up for a bit,” Dallon said, running up to them. He held a large bouquet of white roses in his arms.

They all walked through the gate and through the aisle until they found William’s grave. Alex fell to his knees and started sobbing, Jack kneeling beside him murmuring soothing words into his ears.

Dallon awkwardly set the roses down. “The bandana was a nice touch,” Jawn noted, realizing that the bouquet was tied together by a bandana, a tribute to William’s signature accessory.

As they all took out their little mementos to leave at the headstone, Jawn left a short letter he had spent days penning.

_Dear Bilvy,_

_I wish we were able to meet in better circumstances, but hopefully wherever you are, you will be able to read this. You were always smart and kind, and you didn’t deserve for this disease to wipe away your future. I know that’s sort of how we met, but if I had any choice in it, I wish we had met any other way. But for what it’s worth, those were good times, and you helped me through a lot of my worst moments. I hope I was able to bring you some joy too. Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. I think I’ll see you soon._

_Your friend,_

_Jawn_

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I'd love any comments or feedback <3


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